*Please note that this entry was completed with a clenched jaw and heavy heart. It feels insignificant now for me to keep writing about hot dogs I’ve eaten, yet at the same time – it does still bring me joy. AND I think some of you like it too. The interaction and community connection I receive from something as simple and silly as this experiment is enough to bring some levity to a seemingly grave way forward. Let's keep doggin’ together and who knows, maybe in the coming weeks I’ll begin to sprinkle some psephology in, because we all deserve an explanation*

Ahem – now let’s continue:

In the same way long form, deli meat sandwiches are “hoagies” in Philly and “subs” everywhere else, hot dogs take on different identities and different toppings depending on where you are in the US. In my take on Royal Tavern’s Dog Days of Summer, we talked about Seattle’s cream-cheese lathered dog. I’ve been hearing about the Sonoran of the Southwest and the Red Hots of the Northeast. Kansas City has a wiener that is essentially a poor man’s Reuben. Half a day’s drive away in Cleveland you can get “The Polish Boy” - a kielbasa layered with French fries, BBQ sauce, and coleslaw reminiscent of Primanti Bros sandwich. I even found a “Mexican” dog at Cantina Los Caballitos last week. There are (one of my favorite iterations) Texas Tommys (but are they Texan?), Coney Island Chilis and even a “Philly” dog which – no, does not come with a cheesesteak on top. However, I think one of the most popular “regional” dogs is the Chicago Dog.

I was in Chicago two years ago and opted out of trying their dog. Of all the Chicagoan foods, that fell to the bottom of my list to taste, and I just never got to it. It might be fair to say that I have not truly had a Chicago-style hot dog until I have tried it there, but life ain’t always fair, doll face. In my defense, it does not sound super appealing. The ingredients are as follows:

Bun; steamed with poppy seeds

Dog; all-beef

Yellow mustard

White onion; chopped

Tomato; sliced THICK

Sweet pickle relish; as brightly colored as possible

Dill pickle spear

Sport peppers

Celery salt

That’s a lot, right? I tend to max out at 3 “extras” for most things – dogs, burgers, omelets, pizzas, hoagies etc. There comes a moment where too many toppings or inputs no longer add anything to the experience or taste of what you ordered. In fact, it’s my opinion that too many things could detract from the enjoyment. I’m thinking now of the time a couple of years ago that I was finally able to get an order in at Angelo’s on 9th st. I wanted a chicken cutlet sandwich because I heard their cutlets are bangin’ and cutlets have been one of my favorite things since I was a child. When I got to the counter to order, the woman asked me if I wanted the chicken cutlet hoagie SPECIAL. This was a freeze or fawn moment for me. I said yes because I figured - “’special’, when could I possibly get this again?” What I got was a chicken cutlet sandwich with long hots on it which – ok, love that. But wait – these long hots were stuffed with provolone and prosciutto. I love stuffed long hots and I love chicken cutlets, but together on this hoagie it was overboard, and I was sad.

My favorite part of the Chicago dog is the fact that of all 9 of those ingredients/toppings - ketchup isn’t one of them. At risk of you closing out of this blog and deleting the web address from your browser history, it is time now to admit to you all that I really, really hate ketchup. I don’t want to see it; I don’t want to smell it and I DAMN sure do not want it on my hot dog. Chicagoans have deemed adding ketchup to their dog a cardinal sin, citing the sweetness (like, EW) as a disruption to the other flavors. Plus, there is already tomato in its purest form present and sweet relish. What heathen would look upon this tower of a dog and think, “you know what is missing? Corn syrup sludge!” Grow up. Chicago – I stand with you. Moving on.

The history of how the Chicago dog came to exist has more poverty-meal roots, just like the “waste not; want not” frankfurter itself. It gained popularity during the Great Depression and was marketed to workers as possibly the first “value” meal. The old “two-for-one" as you can have your sandwich and your salad too – right on top!

On August 6th, I went to try this dog/salad amalgamation at Ortlieb’s. Ortlieb’s is located in Philly’s Northern Liberties neighborhood. It’s a bar, music venue and they exclusively serve hot dogs. It is worth noting that they are NOT the only bar in Philadelphia with dogs as the only menu item (we salute you, McGlinchey’s). I honestly had forgotten about Ortlieb’s until it was recommended to me by an old friend, Ginny. I was there a lot more pre-Covid for shows, but never ate anything on my previous visits.

From a quick check on their Instagram (@ortliebsphilly, btw), I saw they were doing Tiki Tuesday drink specials during the summer and that happy hour started at 5pm so that was good enough for me. I had ordered a tiki drink the week prior during my first visit to Lucky’s and tropical drinks x hot dogs felt like the best way to double down on summer. Especially when they’re served in those awesome, Easter Island sculptured glasses. Don’t forget the umbrellas!

The hot dog propaganda is heavy when you roll up to Ortlieb’s. The first thing you’ll see before entering is their red and white “O” sign, which I love because it reminds me of a donut. Right beneath is a neon “hot dog” fixture in the window which is perfect; we’re in the right place. You open the door to the establishment to complete darkness.

I mean, this place is a diveee. We were in peak summer when I arrived, which meant that I had to allow a full minute for my eyes to adjust to the dark from the light. You’ll get an idea of just how inky it is in here from my photos. Once I was confident that I could walk forward without falling, we claimed some seats at the bar.

It’s a Tuesday at like 5:30 pm. So, I am not surprised that it’s pretty much me, Jim and the bartender in here. We’re handed our tiki specials and hot dog menus.

My first drink is a Blue Hawaiian, and we put in for a few dogs. Neither of us have ever had a Chicago dog before - saw it on the menu here and decided it was time to try. No time like the present! I’m shocked Jim orders one at all, but to his point, “there is nothing else to eat.” 2 Chicagos and 1 plain mustard dog (control) get ordered. If I remember correctly, I think the happy hour special meant a dollar off of each of them, adding further value to that Windy City frank.

They came out fairly quickly – I did mention there was hardly anyone else there? I noticed the bun wasn’t toasted. Not a great sign, but otherwise it didn’t look bad. I went in to take my first bite. It took several seconds for my teeth to even reach the dog hidden beneath the salad. I chewed thoughtfully, trying to carefully pick up each of the flavors.

I was happy enough with the taste of all of the condiments together. I’m a vinegar bish so, the load of savory toppings was working for me – my favorite and I think most complimentary being the little addition of celery salt! It really pops out among everything else going on; could live without the sweet relish. So, all the tang gets a thumbs up, but the general...texture? Mouth feel? Thumbs down. Those seconds it took for me to get to the meat were agony; cutting through several layers of mush to get to a meat tube that had no – crunch. A little disappointing.

I maintain that Ortlieb’s was perhaps not the best place to try this wiener. The drinks were fire, albeit a tad expensive, and I like the hideaway vibe of the bar in general. It feels like somewhere you can go and suck down dogs and drinks in the cover of darkness, before or after seeing a band play or doing karaoke in the main room. Just maybe stick to the dog combos you know a regular, untoasted potato roll can handle.

I would certainly give the Chicago dog another try. Rob, my friend Holly’s boyfriend, was on a work trip to Chicago recently and sent me a picture of mini, Chi-town that looked overall a lot better than what I had. After asking him how it was, he told me he was going to eat 5 more. That’s a top squirt review! Just like any good love story, this one is not a “happily ever after”, rather a “to be continued.”